Defining Healthy Relationships for Youth in the Digital Age

Young people nowadays may identify healthy relationships differently than their parents or older generations. It’s important for adults to understand the differences and nuances of relationships for young people – especially in a world with so much access to each other through media and technology.

So how much has really changed?

Some aspects of a healthy relationship have not changed. For example, most young people would still identify healthy relationships as those that have honesty, communication, trust, loyalty, and several other relationship characteristics we might define as the “basics.” The real changes are in how these basic needs for a healthy relationship are shown.

Honesty and communication

Any healthy relationship is going to have open and honest communication. However, given that young people can live in almost constant contact with one another, the definitions of healthy communication are a bit different than they were 20-30 years ago.

There is no stopping phones, texting, DM’s, or any social media really, although you could try to limit your kids use of tech. HOWEVER, instead of fighting against it or telling the young people you know how constant use of these develop bad habits, we have to think creatively about how to get them thinking, for themselves, how they use these tools.

A young person knows that in-person time with their partner is better than any virtual messaging, so reframe that to help them see how much more engaged they could be in all their relationships if they put the phone down. Putting away the tech is a way to show respect, genuine interest, and admiration when you’re spending quality time with someone. If they would want to show that to their partner, or if they would want that from their partner, they can learn to show that to anyone they care about.

With the rise of social media and influencers, there are also more difficult topics being addressed in public forums. For example, some social media encourages people to get unplugged and get outside. #TouchGrass  Other content may romanticize time alone, with the phone turned off and a relaxing tv show or book to stay entertained. Being connected online can lead to the discovery of new healthy hobbies or interests, and can show what honesty in a relationship really looks like (It’s not all bad!)

Loyalty and Trust

For a healthy amount of loyalty, people in a relationship need to feel secure that their partner will not stray from the bounds of the relationship. In an exclusive relationship this can include not being intimate with another person, or not “cheating,” which is the common term for being intimate with someone outside the relationship.

Where things get tricky with young people today, is what is included in the definition of cheating. Does liking another person’s story on Instagram count as cheating? Does responding to the person who put a fire emoji under their picture count as cheating? And do the people in the relationship have a right to check all this information?

Whether they have a right to check or not, if someone’s profile is publicly available, they can usually see these interactions. Individual partnerships should be encouraged to discuss boundaries in their relationship, without controlling what the other individual in that relationship does with their personal accounts. A young person can learn that it’s not okay to say “You can’t talk to them, unfollow them right now,” but they can express their feelings to their partner by saying “I saw this and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about how I could feel more secure in this relationship?”

Big difference there, right? And young people GET IT. These relationship lessons are important for them now and in the future.

Where do we go from here?

These are just a few examples of how teaching young people about healthy relationships should include consideration of modern realities that affect their relationships. When adults can acknowledge that social media and technology WILL be a part of relationships, and not fight it, it helps open young people to the idea that this adult might know a thing or two. Adults have to build that trust to be able to fully educate a young person about relationships, and building that trust is helpful for parents and teachers alike.